my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
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What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
can’t believe I got front row seats
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.