@NotARatsAss: My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, "Pull!"
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@causticbob: To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears. You lift one up and shout "Where are you from?"
@fillthevacuum: Someone gave me a star as a gift. I'm planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
@BuckyIsotope: I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
@TweetsByTheTony: Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.