@NotARatsAss: My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, "Pull!"
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@JillianKarger: ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now? BF: No, that's not how it— ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
@carlyken: Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that's a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse [Everyone dies]
@sarcasm_inc: -THAR SHE BLOWS *she stops* Does he REALLY have to be in here? "My seeing-eye pirate? Yes" But this is so intima- "Fill the balloons, Susan"