@NotARatsAss: My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, "Pull!"
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@dave_cactus: DEATH: You're grounded! Get back here! DEATH'S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope* DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
@Gre_Gone: (scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush) Scientist 1: This thing sucks Scientist 2: Yeah! S1: It's hogging all the hedges! S2: Wait.
@gabeserra: My 3 yr old's idea of comedic timing is waiting till we're at least 10 minutes away from house to tell me he's not wearing any shoes.
@WilliamAder: Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.