Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
calling in to work dehydrated
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
adding to the discourse
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy