My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long