My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Time for evil
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I’m calling the cops.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.