My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
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what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
That’s easy for you to say
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has