My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆