@shutupmikeginn: My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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@mjkspeaks: [meeting with boss] "I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday." "I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!"
@moose_chocolate: Some might say I peed my pants. I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am. #bt140