My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
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*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Jesus Christ lmao
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.