My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
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Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]