@kelkulus: My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
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@SteveKoehler22: [Mad scientist lamenting] "All that work, trying to create a perfect palindrome ..wasted! DAMMIT I'M MAD !" (Pauses) "Hey...wait
@iRowlf: I'm returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful. "Sir, that's a loofah." Oh. I'm returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
@briangaar: Me: Honey, are you awake? [wife rustles] Hmmm? Me: When we were fighting & you said "Wolverine's powers suck," did you really mean that