My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
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Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms