My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running