@amishschool: My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
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@jonnysun: *dinosaur at zoo roars at me* "ROAR" whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this "GROWL" hmm "SHOUT" hmmm "YELL" hmmmmm "HOLLER" oh its a thesaurus
@ch000ch: hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
@T_Bonezzz_: My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall. Worked great! Also, If you've found my nephew Jake, lemme know