My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
You Might Also Like
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
BRO LMFAO
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
*frowns in Scottish*
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.