found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
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Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.