My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
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Not today.. 😂
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
consequences, the bane of my existence
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!