@Dutch_50: My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle - "Take one multivitamin daily." Hmmm
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@cool_pond: replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don't touch the ground
@TheWoodenslurpy: My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me. "It's not you," he said, looking around. "It's them."
@therealeatwood: DOCTOR: I’m sorry but we had to replace your face with an emoji ME: What?! Wait—which emoji? DOCTOR: The smiley face ME: OHHH NOOO!!!!! 😀