My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
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If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.