My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
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I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.