My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
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Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Practicing safe sax
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
School be like
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.