My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
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I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy