My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Worst bar ever.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY