My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*