My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Blew out my flip flop…
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
S/o to @funTweeters .
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.