Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
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My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Oh my God.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?