@just1fool: My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there's still time.
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@TheCiscoKidder: Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
@daemonic3: [spelling bee] Judge: Your word is McConaughey McConaughey. M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey. Did I get it? Judge: We have no idea
@FunnyIsFamily: Kindergarten, day two. Me: Who did you play with at recess? Daughter: One of my best friends. I don't remember her name.
@ScottLinnen: Turns out telling a friend "you're giving off a weird vibe tonight" is not the most direct way to tell them they're on fire