My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.