My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)