My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Van Gone
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.