@paigeofmylife2: My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven't even seen me in bed yet.
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@HeyZeus666: I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there's some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.
@jonnysun: "to my son, i leave my bathroom scale" the lawyer sighs "because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five"
@rob5373: [Bags packed, leaving the ex] Ex:"I hope you have a slow and painful death!" Me:"So now you want me to stay?"