My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
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I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.