My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
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WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Eggs benadryl my favourite
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.