My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
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Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”