@MeatloafComedy: My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it's rude to point???
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@graceful_asfuck: Nurse: What is your pain level? Me: 5 Nurse: What level is acceptable to you? Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
@Brianhopecomedy: Looks like my wife snuck a love note into my pocket which is pretty cute, although I don't know what "DNR" means.