My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
You Might Also Like
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda