My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Butt weight. There’s more!
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
All generalizations are stupid.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.