My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
*mops up wine with cat*