My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Bringing home a sharpie
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
“Wait, let me explain..”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.