@caseytduncan: My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.
@DurtMcHurtt: This guy in my living room must think I'm an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
@Courtniss_: There's a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
@OfficeofSteve: I don't know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them