My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
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Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.