Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
You Might Also Like
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.