@RiverClegg: My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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@KyleMcDowell86: ME: I need help losing weight. I've tried everything. NARRATOR: He hadn't tried anything at all. Nothing.
@JeremyBRoberts: Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, "Who?"
@JMFingSparks: 5yo: *smells glue stick* Me: DON'T BE SMELLING THAT!! 5yo: it smells like strawberries! Me: give me that...*smells glue stick*
@haleysfalling: patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH bad people: ok, death patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart