My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
You Might Also Like
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Anyone really
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
The Assassin.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.