Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Going into Monday like
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.