My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
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for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
When your parents check you’re ok.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer