@FunnyIsFamily: My parenting style can best be described as "Go help your sister."
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@SaltyCorpse: Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, "My God... What was I on and do I have any left?"?
@EvanJKessler: Don't hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
@Chumpstring: [walmart] GREETER: hello 🙂 ME: [leans in close] what's the cheapest toilet paper you got GREETER: i don't know offhand ME: you're disgusting
@Manda_like_wine: Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you're reacting.