My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
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Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Not helping
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison