My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
You Might Also Like
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
they really do be looking like this
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?