@McCPeggy: My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That's why I take so many naps.
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@tayandmae: I may not look good naked, but I'm a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
@dafloydsta: WIFE: I'm tired of you living in a fantasy world ME: *imagining she's Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school. 4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest? My wife: He cried the most.
@cloudypianos: what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom