ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
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replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…