@torrami: My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I'm 28 years old now and I'm still not a crime-fighting mermaid :(
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@KrunkedRobot: Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
@daemonic3: DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV ROMAN: What?! DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time? ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
@jonnysun: INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich