My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork