My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Dishonest mechanic?
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*