@crunchenhanced: Are you a can of biscuits? Because I'd like to bang you on the counter.

@McCutty1: She won't admit she's obsessed with Instagram... But her kids' names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.

@TheRealRHB: Wife: Don't you think the yard needs to be mowed? (from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house) Me: It looks fine to me

@Jimpetuous: *holds seashell to ear* [ocean sounds] [ocean sounds] ["Remember to click 'subscribe' & to rate & leave a com-] *throws shell into the sea*

@TravLeBlanc: The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.