My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
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migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.