@inmynewskin: MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
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@HansGrubertron: *I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body* ME: Good morning, world! CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen... He's back.
@Jtweeters: If you love someone, set them free. If they return... something, something, Justin Bieber's a lesbian.
@Cheeseboy22: I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80's cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
@Underchilde: Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.