MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
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[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
He a real one for that
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?